excruciating love
by nnezumi
Summary: Kanda have finally fallen in love - but with someone as stoic and annoying as himself. She is sent off on a mission that is almost like a suicide mission, what happens if she returns? KandaxOC, rated T to be sure, because of language use and .. blood? idk - this story is continued from the planned ending, so there's more than this summary says OTL
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is the first re-written chapter for Excruciating Love! Thank you for taking your time to read this! I hope it's better than the first time, haha! (it really should be, if not, gomen, I did my best)**

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Love could be excruciating, especially with this guy. She was lying close to him, due to his small one-man-bed. He was letting his guard down in front of her, which was a surprise to her. When the sun was up, and everyone was awake, he wouldn't even give her proper answers to anything, and a conversation couldn't even be led without a threat with Mugen. But, there was a whole different side to him that no one saw except for her. It was at night, when everyone else was sound asleep, resting for the next where another day of endless war would begin. He would go as far as to embrace her – snuggling and cuddling – even. He could act around her like he acted around Mugen. She was too precious to lose. If she woke up before him – which really was a rare occasion – she could see the difference. His undisturbed muscles, his half-opened mouth and his closed, relaxed eyes, would change into one of a frown; his lips were tightened into a thin line as if sewed together, his eyebrows furrowed giving him wrinkles, and stern, cold gaze emitting from his dark, mystic eyes, showing no signs of the earlier nightmares, the shaken, the _cuddling_. She was painfully in love with this man, no matter how stoic he seemed to others. Everything about him was unbelievable painful to her – his past, his present, and his future – just as much as her own.

"You really should stop staring at people while they sleep, you fucking idiot.." Kanda snarled in a husky, tired voice at Mei, who snorted in surprise. She hadn't known that he was actually awake, as she had studied his porcelain face, deciphering every last detail of it into her fleeting memory.

"Who said I was staring, you asshole?" Mei snapped back at the bluette, obviously annoyed by the fact that he had caught her in the act.

This was how their conversations went if they weren't making love. Or, you could call it what you needed, but Mei would never call it "making love" – not out loud, that was for sure.

No one knew about the relationship between the two exorcists, Mei and Kanda. But no one would guess it anyway – except for Lenalee, but Mei had also suspected her for reading minds once. She clearly knew a lot about them, since they were her precious "family".

Mei loved Kanda, and his love could pierce through her at the weirdest of times. Loving a jerk definitely wasn't easy. Kanda shuddered slightly, and Mei had a inner dialogue if she should close the window – but he was perfectly capable of doing that himself, right?

Kanda was eyeing the two swords that were thrown on the floor, Mugen and Aiden, who were mingled in with scattered parts of their uniforms. Without thinking, he pulled Mei closer to himself, feeling her warm skin meet his. He would never admit this out loud, but it would be agonizing to lose her in battle. What was he supposed to do, whom would he have left if she senselessly left him alone in this world? Mei had never said the word "I love you" out loud to him, and he, never to her. He didn't even know if their relationship was even based on love, or the craving of some kind of twisted human contact. He cared deeply for her – maybe even more than _that _person, but at the same time, she could piss him off in a matter of seconds. She was a jerk, but she never really left his mind, and by the end of the day, he could always determine that she was still in his mind.

He was well aware of the fact that Mei had been staring at him, taking in every detail about him, he could sense it long before he had said anything, and he also knew that she was thinking about things she shouldn't.

She had fallen asleep after he had tugged her in carefully, an almost inaudible hummed lullaby escaping his lips while he was stroking her brown hair. She was going on a mission tomorrow, and that was probably what had influenced their extra foul moods, the angrier intercourse and the additional midnight thoughts.

The sun hit Kanda's face but he was still looking at Mei; he wanted to memorize her face and the charms. Who knew sunlight could be this destructive?

Mei let out an exaggerated, sarcastic sigh as she closed the last button of her uniform. Kanda was sitting on the bed, crossed legs, and that recognizable frown, letting out a click of his tongue. Kanda was stubborn as ever, and it made Mei click her own tongue in annoyance. She was going to miss that stubbornness, but right now it was just annoying. She wrapped Aiden around her waist, and looked at Kanda.

"I'm leaving now you know, you fucker. Care about saying goodbye?"

"Tch. Why do I need to? You'll be back in less than a week or so, right?"

"Isn't it nice to know that_ if_ I died, you had at the very least said goodbye?"

"You won't die."

She just sighed before she bent down to him on the bed, leaving a small, innocent peck on his lips. This was out of character for her, and Kanda raised his eyebrows in slight confusion. Something more suitable as a "goodbye" from her, would be a smack to the cheek or a fist to the stomach.

But Mei surprised him to no end. She was, indeed, a jaded person. When they were kids, and he saw her sleep on their missions, he could see how she let her guards down, and how she actually _relaxed_ around people. But as she got older, with more scars on her body and her soul than one could count with their fingers, he could see that she kept distancing herself more and more, her sleep deprivation making her mood even more intolerable.

It was only after their minor mingling between the bed sheets and the silent (hummed, of course) lullabies from Kanda, that she had started to get a better sleep again.

Kanda was thrown out of his thoughts when he felt a gentle hand stroke his cheek and a soft voice whispering, "Kumoi made it very clear that I had to be ready as soon as the sun had set. So I have to go now, okay?"

He looked at her, with a slightly surprised glance. Why was she so calm and collected? And not to mention, _gentle_? He smirked.

"You really should take it easy, midget. You'll be back before you realize it."

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**A/N: So there it is! I hope you're satisfied, and find this better! (If you're one of those who read the story before, too) I would really appreciate it if you left a review for me, both cons and pros! Thank you! c:**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I really don't know what I think of this chapter, but it was hard changing it without changing the whole outline, but I did my best! New chapter will come soon. c: **

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Mei was in the train, eyeing the scenery in front of her. The sun had already set a few hours ago, and the sun was ruling over the sky, lightning up the earth. The finder – whose name she had forgotten – was sitting in front her, was still talking. She had stopped listening after he had stated what kind of suicide mission this was. She was nodding occasionally, as if she was still listening to him. Her mind was only focusing on one thing, and she was only feeling one emotion: Regret. It was killing her from within. She had intended to tell Kanda the simple, three unspoken words between them.

"I love you"

But they couldn't get past her lips. When she had intended to say it, it felt like her tongue had swollen up and her mind had went blank. She had never told him that before, but she had wanted him to know before she left. Even before the mission, she was well aware of the fact that the chance for death was a higher risk than any other normal mission. She wanted to tell him before she died.

The arrival in Barcelona came faster than she had expected. She grabbed her luggage and went out of the train to meet up with Noise Marie and Chaoji Han, who were waiting for her.

"Where is Tiedoll?"

"He's holding back demon in the center of the city," Chaoji answered with a cheerful voice, and Mei's frown seemed to be worsened at his happy and joyful demeanor. Didn't he know what kind of mission this was?

Tiedoll was their marshal. In reality, he was also kanda's marshal, but Kumoi had not allowed him to leave the Order since he wasn't done recovering from his latest mission – even though he healed fast.

The city of Barcelona was once again being targeted by at least around a hundred demons. They were sent as a defense for the city, holding back and destroying as many as possible, together with saving the lives of innocent people.

With Marie leading the way to the battlefield, they spotted their marshal fighting the remarkable amount of demons.

"Nice to see you, kids. I was just thinking about making the Garden of Eden around the center of Barcelona, but unfortunately, I was a little occupied. Please, help yourself!" Tiedoll yelled at them, with a father-like smile on his lips. In some kind of freaky and weird way, he had always seen them as his kids.

"Aidan, activate!"

Mei stood in her battle stance, ready to fight, while Marie had already started destroying demon after demon.

Mei woke up, her eyes widening as if she had awakened from a bad dream. Her body was in excessive pain, and she could immediately recognize the Garden of Eden. Was she really that wounded? And how long had she been out? She tried to stand but the pain pierced through her, so with a groan, she felt down on her back again.

"You're awake!"

A man she didn't know looked stunned at her.  
"Yes, why is that so surprising?" She asked, her voice soaked in irritation and sarcasm.

She could feel the pain spreading by her attempt of trying to get up before.

"It's just.. Youøre so hurt.. We thought you'd be out for at least a week," he stated.

"How long have I been out?" She asked him, not caring at all for his words.

"Around a day. I am one of the citizens of Barcelona. This is one of the exorcists work," he regarded to The Garden of Eden.

"I know. It's my master. How are they doing?"

Her body was aching, as if her body was longing to fight. She clicked her tongue in annoyance at the lack of answer from the citizen.

"They're still fighting I'm afraid. You were the only one unconsciousness though,"

He answered humbly, handing her a cup of water.

She inhaled deeply, and after a small encounter with herself she got up. The pain was massive, but she had to keep fighting. She wanted to destroy those demons, to get her revenge..  
They tried to stop her, but that wouldn't help. She was still determined to fight.

Kanda sat in the garden of the Order. It was ridiculous, really. They had this huge beautiful garden, but you couldn't say that it had many visitors. Kumoi thought it was a good idea to establish some place where you could get a peace on mind and forget the whole holy war thing.

Kanda just sat there, thinking of Mei. Was she still alive? He had never in his life been worried about her, or anything in that sort before. Not even his own life had ever been such a significant matter to him.

He sensed a person nearing him, and he glared daggers and swords towards the silhouette until he recognized the person.

"Thinking about Mei, huh?"

She didn't expect him to answer, she, herself, was thinking a lot of things through, too.

"When you close your eyes, what do you see?"

Lenalee asked him this every time his, or her own mood for that sake was out of place. As if it calmed her to picture it in her mind.

"What am I supposed to see? Mugen? Mei? The Order?" He asked, not caring. She exhaled deeply. She was even surprised that he brought up Mei himself. She had imagined he wouldn't even think about that topic.

Lenalee could barely touch Mei without having her threatened to death. And the same went for Kanda. They both despised human beings.. Was that why they found each other? Not one other human being could live with them besides someone who was as despicable as them? Lenalee's thoughts wandered, until she noticed Kanda shedding a tear. She just stared at him. "Are you… Crying, Kanda?" She hesitated about asking, but kind of had to.

"Shut up, idiot." He simply muttered. Lenalee smiled, and hugged Kanda. He was surprised, but didn't threat her, or pushed her away. He let her hug him until he kind of felt better.

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**A/N: I would love to hear what you think in reviews, both good and bad! (not bashing tho, simply, just, constructive criticism. Thank you for reading! **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So here's chapter 3, sorry for the waiting time! I'll publish chapter 4 right away too as an apology. This isn't as long, unfortunately, but I tried to make chapter 4 longer and the rest. :) I hope you enjoy!**

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Mei's body was trembling, the pain was felt in every vein of her body, and she was on the verge of giving up, but she was not allowed to do that now. She had fought for three days with the marshal, Marie and Chaoji. If you didn't know them, you would think that they _wanted_ to die. Mei had lost count of how many demons she had destroyed, and how many was still coming her way. Her body was soaked in the stench of blood, and she was covered in red. She had almost lost the feelings in her legs, now she just jumped across the sky, slaying demon after demon on record.

An unbearable sound pierced through her ears, and her eyes widened. It was horrible sight. Aiden broke.

Shattered in small pieces throughout the whole place. She was stunned and unable to move, until she fell to the ground. Her last vision was a level three demon appearing, smirking, and aiming for her. His intend was to kill.

Chaoji saw that Mei was lying on the ground, a handle to a broken sword in her right hand. A level three demon was approaching her, and he had to do something. He destroyed the level one demon in front of her, before he ran towards Mei's body.

His eyes widened slightly, his left eye twitching. Where was her right leg? He destroyed the level three in front of her before he fell to the ground in front of him with a blank stare. Was she dead? But.. Mei couldn't die. She wouldn't. Mei would never allow herself to die in a place like this.

No matter how stoic and arrogant she was, and how much she despaired Chaoji, she was still his comrade. His family. A tear fell from his left eye, and just as he was about to scream in the agony, an Innocence fragment from the sword started lighting, and collected the fragments of the sword. Some of the fragments traveled from her right hand up towards her head, and Chaoji simply stared at the Innocence, which was making its way to her mouth, and down her throat. A hoarse cough and heavy breathing appeared from Mei. Was this?.. Chaoji's eyes widened once again, and he blinked more than once because he didn't believe the sight before him. Did her Innocence just revive her? Or was she just unconscious?

Either way, the Innocence had just given her conscious back. She was still lying with a heavy breathing and closed eyes, and Chaoji followed the light of the Innocence as it lit up where her right leg was supposed to be.

The leg was back, and at last, the sword handle started lighting, and her sword was back too. Chaoji didn't understand what was happening before his eyes at all, but her body was still covered in open wounds, cuts and bruises, so he had to bring her body back to a safe place.

Somehow, he managed to get her into the Garden of Eden, and the townspeople were mortified by the look at the young, wrecked girl in his arms.

"Is there a doctor nearby!?"

A man appeared and they laid her back down on the ground, where she had laid only a few days prior. He started stitching some of her opens wounds, while one of the citizens cleaned her cuts and bruises. She was severely damaged, drowned in her own blood, and it wouldn't surprise them if she had a severe concussion, too.

"Please, take good care of her!" Chaoji yell, before he ran back to the battlefield. If Mei was going to die, he didn't want her to die in vain.

The fight was finally over, and the battlefield was clouded in mist and destroyed demons. Tiedoll stood alone, gasping for his breath, as he scanned the place for more demons. The ground was tainted in blood, and his body was trembling. Chaoji and Marie were inside his defense technique, resting, and now it was his turn to return.

Tiedoll was looking at Mei. Her body was clearly in great pain, but she had managed to survive. It killed him inside to see her like this. Tiedoll knew that Mei had problems with The Order, and where kind of a complicated kid, but Tiedoll couldn't help but care for her as if she was his daughter. She had been his apprentice for over 10 years after all. He couldn't help but laugh every time she and Kanda was arguing, and how she always pretended like she didn't care about anything, when in reality, she cared about everything. Tiedoll could feel a tear running down his cheek. Mei wasn't ready to die yet. All she knew was The Order. Mei arrived as a small kid, and you couldn't say she was happy about that decision. She looked and acted like a clinical zombie her first years in The Order.

"Yes. We're on our way.. No… She's still unconscious. Yes, we're traveling with a bunch of Finders. Chaoji is severely injured, but conscious. Marie is better, but not much. Yes.. Aiden is all right. We don't know much about how or why, but Chaoji is talking about her Innocence reviving her. Aiden is a much more advanced weapon than before.." Tiedoll smiled at the thought. Aiden was evolving.

They arrived at The Order, and they had Mei carried to the paramedic's section where she lied in coma. Lenalee had hard the news of her arrival through Kumoi, her brother, and had rushed to Kanda's room. They arrived at the paramedic's section, and saw Mei's body. She was completely wounded up. The matron walked towards them. "She have a severe concussion, a ruptured lung, a ruptured tympanic membrane, four shattered ribs, a broken leg, a broken arm, a broken nose, eighteen shattered teeth, twenty-two open wounds, problems with her eye, a lot of internal bleedings. Chaoji was talking about losing her leg, but the Innocence reviving it. The scientists are examining that at the very moment," the matron exhaled deeply when she was finally finished.. To think that a teenage girl would fight to this extent. The matron had seen many wounds and broken bones in her time in The Order, but this had to be the most extreme.

"How long did they fight?"

"4 or 5 days straight, according to the rapport. Though Mei was unconscious the second day, and to the beginning of the third day. She went fighting again when she awoke, and ended up like this.." The matron looked like she was on the edge of tears. Lenalee fell to her knees tears streaming down her face. Her world was slowly falling apart. How many did God plan to steal from her?

Kanda didn't say or do anything. He was simply frozen, staring at the broken body in front of him. What the fuck was that idiot thinking of? He clicked his tongue in annoyance. The matron had left them alone with her, as they were completely out of it, both of them.

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**A/N: I'm not 100% satisfied with this chapter, but I didn't know how to change it without changing the story, but I tried my best! Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So here's chapter 4 c: I'll try my best to publish ch. 5 as fast as possible. I tried to make this longer than the first couple of chapters per request. Enjoy!**

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Two weeks, three days and one hour. Kanda had counted all the time since she arrived at The Order, and it was honestly worrying him that the bastard hadn't woken up yet. Her wounds were slowly healing, but she was clearly still in excruciating pain. The scientists had concluded that the Innocence had indeed revived her leg, since they could find traces of Innocence in the leg. The problem they were standing at now was that Mei had got a fever. Marie was on his feet again, and Chaoji was already on a new mission. He grabbed the wet towel beside his chair and cleaned her forehead for the hundredth time since she arrived. She had been in a coma for so long that even the matron was about to give up on her. Kanda had stayed there everyday, keeping an eye on her, tugging her hair, and treating her at the best of his abilities. Sometimes, he fell asleep and dreamt that she would wake up, but she never really did. His thoughts were caught in life and death, and it was really exhausting him mentally. So exhausted that he fell asleep with his head resting on her good leg. Her life was hanging on a thin threat, and that was probably what had caused his sleep deprivation.

It was dark. Pitch black. She could only see out of her left eye. As she blinked a few times in a row, her eye got used to the dark, but everything was still a blur. She tried to turn her head to the side, but felt the pain heartrending through her whole body. Her eyes widened and she screamed out. Kanda sat up instantly.  
"Mei! Don't move you fucking idiot, you're not healed!" Kanda roared, he just wanted her to stop, to relax.  
One of the nurses came running, because Mei kept screaming, the pain torturing her whole body. It was a mortifying sight. The nurse gave her some diazepam and painkillers through the drop, and said it would keep her muscles calm. Instantly, the female exorcist fell back to the bed, her eyes closed.

_Mei woke up; her eyes widened and took a breath as if she hadn't had oxygen for hours. What just happened? Oh right. She came home from a mission with a concussion. It was her first mission ever, and she got hurt pretty bad, but she was, nonetheless, alive. Was she allowed to appreciate that? She was constructed to kill, a human sacrifice from the hands of God. She was merely produced to slay demons, and fight for the supposed "good" of the world. She hadn't even had her 8 years birthday. Was her body even ready to fight demons? She was just a fragile kid after all. Using a Katana weapon didn't make it any easier to use her body as the platform._  
_Her head was spinning slightly, and her body was aching, but it wasn't something she couldn't ignore. _

_Tiedoll appeared in front of her, and she simply looked away.  
"I'm glad you made it out alive, kiddo."  
"Che."  
She didn't even send him a glance. She was downright pissed at him and the others for keeping her as a hostage the first couple of years at The Order. He appreciated apprentices he had ever had through time, and Mei was also one of them. She was only 7 years old, and it killed him inside to see such a fragile kid see the reality of the world so soon.  
He poured a glass of water and handed it to her, "always appreciate being alive after a mission."  
Mei simply clicked her tongue. What was he, a mind reader? _

"…Water.." A raspy voice resounded in her head. Was it really her voice? She was completely dazed from the pills she was given earlier. The room was empty, and the cracks of sunlight appeared from the window. Was it Kanda who had been here when she woke up before? She guessed not, otherwise he would still be here, right? She clicked her tongue, or, tried to. That bastard was probably training, sleeping or on a mission.

"…Water.." She spoke again with much fight, coughing slightly. She still not dared to move. The matron appeared by her bedside with a smile on her lips.  
"Mei.."  
She handed her a glass of water, and help her drink it.  
"I can.. Do it myse…" she tried to move her arm, but gave up and let the matron help her.  
"whha.. Wha happ'nd.. To m?" She asked, her throat not able to form the words. It was too dry and it hurt too much talking properly. She just hoped the matron would understand what she was saying.  
"A lot of things happened.. But the point is that you're awake, and that's a great sign for recovery," she smiled gently at her, which surprised Mei. She couldn't remember the matron ever smiling gently before, and she had been here many times through her time in The Order.  
"Your comrades will be really revealed when they hear the good news!" She stated happily, putting the glass of water down on the table. Mei simply che'd at her, and looked away.  
What about Kanda? Had he even thought about her?  
"I'll be back in a moment. I have to report to Kumoi. Let me just see if I can find Kanda on the way." She stated, on her way to leave.  
"Kand..a wa.. here?"  
"That boy..", she sighed and rolled her eyes, "he have been in here since you arrived! I don't believe him.. Kumoi forced him to leave today, after a vocal fight with him."

Mei's eyes widened. "Yu….u..ku..u.." She closed her eyes, waiting for him to come. Only moments after the matron had left her alone, Kanda was already there.  
"Are you finally awake, midget?" Kanda's words were harsh, but he looked so worried that Mei couldn't bear it. Tears started falling from her eye.  
"Yu…u…k…u…u." She wanted to mumble Yu-kun, but she couldn't. Everything hurt and she couldn't even talk, or explain how happy she was to see Kanda again. She would never imagine him sitting with her all this time. "Ho…ow… lon.. w's… .. o..ut?" She looked at Kanda with an asking expression..  
He sighed and answered; "2 weeks, 4 days, and 5 hours", he looked her deeply in the eye, confirming that he had counted all this time.

Mei kept mumbling Yuu-kun, probably to make Kanda smile, or ease her own pain, but Kanda decided to let it slip today, he hadn't heard her talk since she left him. Mei looked worried, and it was clear to Kanda. He guessed he was the only one able to see it, though. He got more worried because of her. It annoyed him so much being around her, but he couldn't help it. She was too important for him. He found a towel and once again he cleaned his forehead.  
"A…re … Yo…u Th…on…bee..doin…g..this?" She referred to him cleaning her face, and he just nodded. It was tearing him up listening to her struggling to just talk. He started mumbling a lullaby, while tugging her hair.  
"Go back to sleep, it'll do well", he smiled; reassuring her that everything was all right. She closed her eyes, and he could feel her relaxing, and he felt calmer now. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't heal her, but he couldn't just sit there, watching her feel pain. He found himself staring at her, captivated by her. Her page-haircut was a little ruined, but it was still hazel brown and beautiful, he saw that it had grown. Last time he studied it, it was barely shoulder-length, but it was pass that now. How long had it been since he last had been mesmerized by her features? Her little nose, her small mouth, and the small ears with small earlobes, too. Kanda remembered her charms and features. The small amount of freckles on her chin, the notable but still feminine eyebrows, and her huge brown eyes. Her dimples when she finally smiled, and the light in her eyes every time Kanda had kissed her. The insecurity in her eyes every time someone reminded her of her past, the bald front she put up; All those small things, which no one ever really got around to notice. That was how he fell in love with this girl. He got to see sides of her that no one else ever saw. He knew a part of her that no one else knew. Hell, the only part people knew was the arrogant and stoic one, so it wasn't surprising that the only ones keeping her close were he, Lenalee, the beansprout and the stupid rabbit.

There was someone knocking on the door, and Tiedoll came in.  
"Can I have a minute with Mei alone?" He looked worried, but kept that smile up front. Like Kanda, he faked it. "But.. She's tired, and can't talk properly", Kanda tried to find an excuse to stay with her a little longer, because he knew how calm she was right now.  
"I know, but she only have to answer yes and no", Kanda doubted his statement, but before he could protest, Mei talked, "It… is…. A…Right… Y..uu" she reassured him it was all right before he left the room.

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**A/N: I hope you enjoyed c: reviews are always welcome! Especially constructive criticism! (no bashing)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I won't be able to publish any chapters the next 9-10 days or so, so as a treat, you're getting chapter 5 already, even though I published 3&4 yesterday. I hope you're okay with that! It would be weird if you weren't..**

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"I'm glad you're finally awake, Mei," Tiedoll stood in the door with a bunch of red roses, probably picked up in the garden. Mei clicked her tongue in annoyance and looked out of the window. It was almost as if she was saying "why wouldn't I be?", but Tiedoll kindly ignored it as the loving and kind man he was.

"So.. I have some questions for you, since we're all wondering, especially the science department.." Tiedoll now had this serious expression painted on his face, as he sat down on the chair, with a satisfied groan and a crack of his back.  
"Do you remember passing out?"  
Mei simply nodded slightly, only visible if you knew she was supposed to answer, and concentrated on her every movement.  
"Do you remember loosing your leg?"  
She nodded slightly again, with an expression that could only be explained with "painful". She obviously remembered the incident clearly, both mentally and physically.

"Would you mind if I asked you to move the leg that returned?"  
She simply nodded and her eyes traveled down to her legs, almost in unison with Tiedoll's, the difference was that he had a lot more curiosity and astonishment in his eyes. Mei didn't give much thought to it, though. This was the only body part that wasn't constantly throbbing and in pain.  
"I…ss… Ai….d..e.. al…rig…t?" Mei looked back up at Tiedoll, ignoring his amazed gaze, or his surprised facial expression.  
"Yes, Aiden is completely fine, and as soon as you're able to stand, we'll be taking you to Hevlaska, to settle your synchronization", Tiedoll smiled after Mei had sighed in relieve.  
"Mei.. Remember to appreciate that you're alive. After all this time I can still see the grieve in your eyes.. Please, just, appreciate it", Tiedoll gave a gentle smile that Mei had never seen before on the face of her marshal and it reminded her of a man from her old village. It was like when her old grandfather was smiling at her.

oOoOo

Lenalee was walking in front of Lavi. She was quiet, with her hair covering her eyes. Lavi didn't know what to do, so a stupid comment blurted out, one he hadn't even meant.  
"It's great she's all right and all, though she could've taken a break if it were that bad, ya' know?"  
Lenalee stopped in her tracks, her fists clenched, and Lavi bumped into her.  
"She couldn't."  
The sentence was short, but she sounded serious.  
"Couldn't what?" Lavi looked down at her with a curious gaze, not even aware of the whole sentence he had blurted out. He was simply trying to defuse the tension.

"Just take a break. She can't. She's a human girl who sincerely believes that she's designed to destroy, and she would go as far as to risk her life completely if it meant it would destroy an Akuma. She loved everything she loved long ago to The Millennium Earl. She fights for _our_ sake, not her own. For _us_, at The Order, whom she knows cares about her, and for the sake of the world. She pushed herself pass her limit in that fight, and you think she could have just taken a _break_?"  
She turned around, and her purple, sincere eyes stared into Lavi's emerald one, and he felt like she was staring into his soul with that gaze. He shrugged slightly at the thought.  
"He stole everything she had from her. She just won't understand that she have us.. Me.. You.. Tiedoll.. Even Kanda can't function without her. When she was confined here, like I was, she lost all hope. She wouldn't open to anyone; she wouldn't be led astray by any of us. Not even me, who were in the same position as her, until my brother showed up.."  
She looked back down and tears falling slowly from her eyes. Lavi let an arm sneak around her. "Lenalee, cheer up. I'm sure she won't because she's so afraid of losing you. It's just a sign of how much you mean to her, right? you're the only one she can endure for longer than 10 minutes, right?" Lavi smiled down at her, with his usual cheerful smile, and Lenalee also smiled gently.  
"Except for Kanda."  
The words flew out of her mouth before she even knew it. It was a fleeting thought in her mind, that she just blurted out.  
"Yuu-chan? Showing emotions?" He started laughing, his hands to his stomach. He received the so-called "punch of love", from Lenalee.  
"It's not funny! They_ love_ each other. They're just too arrogant and stubborn to admit it! But the looks Mei sends Kanda in the cafeteria, or the small reactions from both of them when they're in the same room. It's the first time I've seen any of them like that.. And I've known them both for a long time," Lenalee smiled gently and looked down to the ground.

Lavi smiled at her. "Let's go grab some food, huh?"

oOoOo

Kanda was walking in the snow, his black booths and coat contradicting the snow. He was looking for a place to train, or rather a place to get his mind off of things. It had been two months since Mei came back, and she could walk now – with crutches, of course, but she could walk. They hadn't talked much since she woke up. He usually sneaked into her room at night, because he noticed how her nightmares came more and more frequently, and it worried Kanda. He didn't sleep much himself, and he was also haunted by nightmares from time to time, but they were nothing compared to Mei's.

She downright refused to explain what they were about, but Kanda knew they had something to do with her last fight.

_"You're synchronization is lower than 30 percent, Mei. This could be a dangerous situation for you, and we have to find a way to make you synchronize with Aiden again. I am hundred percent sure that the Earl is already targeting you, and you're not capable of fighting before you synchronize."  
Kumoi looked at Mei with a worried look, but she only drew her chin back with a click of her tongue. Somehow he could see the little child she was once, with a suffering expression hiding in her cold facade.  
"We're still trying to find out what the Innocence wanted with your leg, it must mean something special," Kumoi smiled weakly at her, and she just smirked slightly, but not in the usual Mei way.  
"Special, huh?" She sighed deeply.  
"Yes. Hevlaska can trace fractures of Innocence, but we don't know what it means yet."  
He looked down at the female exorcist, who reminded him of a living ghost. She was pale and exhausted, and Kumoi knew she was thinking about something. Last time he saw her so.. Fragile, was when she was hold as a hostage and still drowned in sorrow from the death of her family and friends.  
"I'm going for a walk", she turned around with much difficulty, hating the crutches, before she left the science department, wondering what made her mask crack so obviously in front Kumoi._

Kanda stopped in his tracks as he looked forward; he spotted a silhouette of something familiar. He knew it was Mei who was standing in the snow, her crutches giving her a weird figure.  
"Kanda, we need to communicate, you know?" Mei tried to catch and lock his eyes with hers, but his eyes flagged throughout the place, completely ignoring her attempt.  
"You can't ignore me forever, you stupid blockhead. I know you're sleeping in my room with me, Kanda, I know you do, even though you think I'm asleep all the time!"  
"Yes yes, I can understand I'm busted, you don't have to raise your voice, midget. What do you want?"  
Mei pouted slightly, looking down at the snow, shivering slightly. Kanda discreetly looked at her, and she reminded him of a fragile porcelain doll. One of those who are kept save and sound in the cabinet. He slowly moved towards her, and let his arms embrace her. She was cold as ice.

"Kan..Da… My arm..", Kanda let go as fast as he grabbed her. It had completely slipped his mind that her arm was still in the healing process.  
"Sorry. I'm not used to you get so hurt in battle." Kanda looked away, trying to hide the minor flush of blood to his cheeks, but it was true. After a couple of years, and until now, Mei hardly got beaten completely in battle. Her defense and offense was remarkable. She sighed.  
"There's something I want to say to-"  
"MEI! I TOLD YOU TO NOT GO OUTSIDE! YOUR FEVER ISN'T COMPLETELY GONE, AND YOU'RE NOT FULLY HEALED AT ALL – I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IF YOU END UP BACK AT THE PARAMEDICS!"  
Both Kanda and Mei froze, and looked to their left where Lenalee stood, with an aura that reminded them both of an Akuma.  
"I'm going inside in a minute, stop lecturing me!" Mei yelled back at her, trying to smile, if only a little, to reassure the other female exorcist that she really was all right.

"I'm going to drag you in now if you don't come in yourself! AND KANDA, HOW CAN YOU LET HER STAY OUTSIDE IN THE SNOW!?" She now turned to Kanda, who's brows furrowed, and his eyes shot tightly, in his attempt to constrain himself from hitting her.  
"We'll go inside in a minute!" Kanda grabbed Mei's arm and practically dragged her with him, as she tried to follow with her crutches. Lenalee smiled in satisfaction and hurried back inside, too.

They arrived in Kanda's room, and Mei threw the crutches to the floor and sat on his bed.  
"So? What did you want to say?" Kanda stood with closed eyes and crossed arms.

"Uh.. I.. You know I.."  
She couldn't get the words out. It felt like her tongue was growing in her mouth, and her throat was curling up. Her mouth felt terribly dry.  
"What?"  
"I.. I saw Hevlaska today!" Mei looked away and mentally slapped herself. Why couldn't she just get it over with? The words were inside her head all the time, and she had even practiced the damn sentence.  
"Oh. And what did she tell you?" Kanda stared at her in misbelief. She knew that he knew that it wasn't what she intended to say.  
"My synchronization rate is under 30, and that it's a problem that Aiden won't obey me anymore.." Kanda finally looked at her properly.  
"You know, everything will work out fine, midget. You have fought with Aiden since you were fucking 7 years old, I highly doubt that he will be the one to backstab you now."  
Mei's brain froze. Kanda's was sounded so.. Elegant. Caring. He sounded so calm and protecting. As if he was _sincerely_ trying to cheer her up. This was probably the closest she would ever get to a love confession from that angry Japanese man. She looked up at and into his eyes. They looked like an ocean just in the middle of a storm. She became flustered and hurried to look down again.  
"What did you really want to say?"  
"Why are you pushing me? It doesn't matter anyway.. I'll be going now.." Mei got up from the bed and took her crutches and left. She heard him click his tongue before she closed the door. Her heart was beating too fast. Her head was spinning. She felt like she could pass out any minute. It was like all the blood was rushing from her whole body to her cheeks. She tried to take deep breaths, before she left to her own room. She could not think clearly right now. Maybe she had a fever? That was the only explanation. This was something physical, which made her sick. Yes, that was the only logical explanation of how she felt.

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**A/N: Tried my best otl. Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are always welcome! c: I'll see you in 9-10 days! (sorry but aTLEAST I WARNED U RIGHT?)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I really struggled with this chapter, for starters, and not to mention how much that has been the past time. I've been hospitalized three times, and I've kinda been thrown out, so I don't really have a home at the moment, so the last months has been hectic, and I am ****_so fucking sorry _****that this chapter was so delayed, and I swear it was not my intention! There's just been so much around me, and so many things I had to do and stuff. I'm sorry. I made this chapter extra long because of that, and I really hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

They didn't talk for 3 days, because Mei ended back in the infirmary. Her fever had taken over again, and it influenced the healing of her lungs. He hadn't visited her. He probably didn't care anyway. When she finally collected the guts and threw away her stubbornness and pride to ask about Kanda, the matron told her that he had left for a mission in India and it would take between two to three weeks before he would be back home. Lenalee and Allen were accompanying him, so the only visitor she got was Lavi; the redhead with the signature smile and the love for books. He would tell her all about these famous writers, authors, and their stories, no matter how little she cared or listened to him.

She walked around the headquarters with no specific goal. She was restless. It was tormenting her to no end that she was not allowed to do anything that required that she was fully healed, which was training and missions – the only things she cared about doing in her free time. She didn't want to talk to anybody, since everyone in the order were blockheads. They pissed her off – all of them. They were nothing but a nuisance. And sitting in her room alone was no option. She needed something to take her mind off that stupid Japanese man with the long blue hair and the dark, deep eyes, which showed no sign of emotion in public. She didn't want to think about him – no, she didn't _need _to. It was a waste of time anyway, since he obviously didn't think the same about her as she did about him.

OoOo

Kanda was lying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't able to sleep. The beansprout was keeping him up by snoring – it wasn't like he was waking the whole tavern up, but he sure as hell kept Kanda up. He couldn't fathom why Lenalee was the only one getting a single room. Of course the fact that the sister complex didn't want her to sleep with two boys in the same room was a huge factor, but Kanda would rather die in the hands of Kumoi Lee for buying a single room in The Order's name than die in the hand of sleep deprivation caused by the nuisance named Allen Walker.

He turned around in the bed, looking out of the window. The sky was clear, and the stars were shining bright, lighting up the sky. He shut his eyes tightly together in the hope of falling asleep, but as we all know, it didn't help a damn thing. To make matters worse, Allen Walker also _talked_ in his sleep, talking about debts, his master, and food.

_"I'm sorry. We only have one room available for the night. But don't worry, there's room for two people," the woman smiled up from her book at the two exorcists who was sent on a mission in a little town outside of Coventry.  
"What? I'm not sharing a room with that damn asshole!" Mei smashed her hands down on the counter with a frown coating her face.  
"Shut up, Mei. Would you rather want to sleep fucking outside? Stop acting like a spoiled brat," Kanda stated, his voice drowned in frustration – frustration created from traveling with an arrogant, stoic teenage girl who clearly suffered from PMS, and frustration because of the fact that he couldn't even get a break from her when he wanted to rest. _

_Mei was about to have another fit at the receptionist and not to mention on Kanda himself, so Kanda decided to finally interrupt. He pushed Mei slightly away and looked at the receptionist.  
"It's fine, thank you. I'm sorry for her actions."_

_With much discussion, they wandered up to the third floor, a scowling Mei and a pissed off Kanda. Mei silently unlocked the door, and Kanda was about to step in after her, but she had, without warning, stopped in her tracks, and he walked right into her back._

_"What the fu-"  
"Oh hell no! I am NOT sleeping in this room! I'd rater sleep outside than fucking this!"_

_She turned around, and she, herself, did the exact same thing Kanda had done to her only seconds ago._

_"Mind were you're going, midget." Kanda simply stated, looking into the room. _

_It was cozy, a Victorian-styled room, almost made for a couple. There was a huge window, a minor balcony, one bed, a desk, closet and.. One bed? Only one bed? Kanda's eyes furrowed.  
"Is the bed _the_ problem? We can sleep in turns – or just sleep on each side. We don't have to fucking_ cuddle_ just because we're in a double sized bed." Kanda's voice sounded bitter, annoyed, and the word "cuddle" felt like an inappropriate word for him. It wasn't a word that he had ever used in his vocabulary before. _

_Mei rested her hands on her hips, her slim, slim waist. She reminded Kanda of a little boy. Her hair was cut short; her uniform was designed in a different manner than any other uniform he had seen. She was wearing shorts – loose shorts that went down to her knees, filled with different kind of pockets, and three belts. She was wearing a tank top, and some kind of short poncho jacket with the well-known Rose Cross by the chest. Her buttons were also imprinted with her initials, but not her full name, as the others. She apparently didn't want everyone to know what her full name was. Her curves haven't fully developed yet – not that Kanda thought much about it, of course. Her brown, short hair was always a mess, and her big brown eyes never looked like they held the slightest interest in _anything. _Her freckles made her look innocent, but Kanda knew that that did not fit her at all. Sometimes, she reminisced a demon, and he could feel his grip around Mugen tighten, threatening to kill her every third second. They really weren't a good match – especially not on missions, even though they were effective and doing their jobs as fast as possible. _

_Kanda was thrown out of his thoughts as Mei tossed her jacket carelessly on the floor, throwing herself down on the left side of the bed. He shook his head slightly, closing the door behind him as he entered the room. They silently went to bed, only their breathing and their movements were audible. They were lying with their backs against each other, completely still, as if stoned. _

_Kanda was about to fall asleep as he heard the sheets shuffling behind her, and Mei shifting her position.  
"Kanda?"  
"What?"  
"I can't sleep s-"  
"I don't care."  
He could practically hear Mei's anger at his response, but he honestly didn't care at all. He needed his rest and her silence. _

_She didn't give it to him, though. She kept shifting around in the bed, making noises that suddenly seemed very loud in the quiet inn, in the small, quiet town._

_He turned around, annoyed, a frown plastering his face._

_"You fucking retard, would you mind laying still? I'm trying to-" he was about to scold her for another few sentences, but discovered her face. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were red, and small, watery tears traveled down her porcelain-like face._

_His frown turned into one of annoyance. Why the fuck was the midget crying? How was he supposed to handle a teenager who was crying?  
"W-what's… Wrong?"  
She sniffled slightly, shaking her head.  
"Nothing. Just go to sleep. I'll be quiet now, okay?"  
He didn't believe her. He could see right through her, and she was definitely lying. Now he could chose to turn back around, avoid any confrontation, or actually_ talk_ with her about it. It was easier when they were at missions with their master, Tiedoll, he had a way of soothing her, and Kanda had no idea how. He had never actually taken care of anyone that way. _

_Before he could react, he had leaned forward, his arms circling around her shaking waist in a warm, gentle embrace. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing, but maybe it would help. That's what Alma had done to him, after all. Not that he wanted to remember._

_She looked up at him, slightly surprised. Her big, brown eyes locking with his, dark blue eyes. His expression was probably as confused as hers.  
"Stop looking like that, stupid midget."_

_One thing led to the next, and Kanda didn't remember how, but their lips locked, a shiver running down his spine. Her soft, pink lips were against his rough, small lips. It went from completely innocent to a more heated one. Not that any of them had tried it before. They were clumsy, awkward and first-timers, but it didn't feel that way. Before, Kanda needed her to shut up, to not move, but now, every move intrigued him, and he didn't want her to stop at all. When she did, what would happen? Would they just look awkwardly at each other and turn around? His hands traveled down her spine and back up, a sudden craving to touch her skin occurred, and he had no idea how to handle the situation, but apparently his body had.._

Kanda shivered. That was the first time he had ever been intimate with Mei, and it wasn't exactly a pleasant memory. It was a weird one, and it was always fleeting, crawling up, demanding his attention at the weirdest of time, and he had no way to control it. They had been clumsy, awkward and embarrassed, both of them, through the whole thing, but he couldn't deny that he had definitely _enjoyed _it. He shrugged, shutting his eyes tight and blocking out the thoughts.

OooOooO

Mei sat in the cafeteria. It had been 4 weeks since Kanda had left for a mission, and he still wasn't back. The Science Department had calmed her down and told her that missions sometimes took some extra time, as if she had never been on a mission before herself. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. She felt like a fucking housewife waiting for her husband. She couldn't even go on missions herself because of her Innocence. Her appetite was gone. She then left the cafeteria as she barged into Kumoi's office with a frown.  
"Sister complex, it's been 4 weeks now! When the fuck will they be back? It can't possibly take that long!"  
He looked at her with a slightly disorientated look, before he sighed deeply.  
"Actually, I'm on the phone right now.." He held his breath.  
"Yes, thank you for stating the obvious, that doesn't tell me when they'll be back!"  
"..With Lenalee," his voice cracked and he lowered his head so that his bangs covered his eyes. Mei didn't understand what was going on. Her heart was beating faster second by second, and she was almost afraid of what was to come. What did she want him to say? What did she expect him to say? Her own desires were mingled in with the truth and her fears. She could hear her head pulsating, and she wasn't even sure she was breathing. She couldn't fathom whether she was holding her breath or not.  
"Kanda..", there it was. She inhaled fast and deeply, her eyes widening in fear, her fists clenching slowly, her muscles twisting, thoughts running wild. She felt like her head was spinning, "..Unfortunately he passed away, in a fight."  
Her eyes were frozen, and so was she – a frozen woman with frozen eyes in a frozen headquarters. She was ice and snow and shattered glass, bound by chains, and they were motionless. She was petrified. She couldn't move. The only thing left moving was her heart, and it was beating – second by second, it remained thawed – she was alive, she was living, she was ice – but breathing. Kanda was bright and beautiful and warm and – dead?

He was dead and she could not live with that fact.

Mei's legs gave up on her, and she immediately fell to the ground. Her hands traveled to her head.  
"You're.. You're kidding, right?" Her heart was aching and she clenched her fingers around her hair, an uncontrollable desire to scream. It felt like her lungs were burning. Every feeling she felt at that moment was intensified tenfold. The beating of her heart became even louder than before, the blood rushing through her whole body, and the throbbing of her head made it feel like her head was going to burst. This was a joke – this_ had_ to be a joke – and a very bad one to top it.  
"I'm afraid not, Mei. We all know the risks of being an exorcist, Kanda was prepared of what it meant. We're sorry for the loss of an amazing exorcist, but there's nothing we can do."  
Kumoi sounded formal. Too formal. Didn't he care about Kanda, too?  
"WHERE'S YOUR SORROW? DIDN'T YOU CARE ABOUT HIM?" Mei screamed with her eyes shut tight. The tears felt like they were ready to fall out, but she would not let them. She didn't know what happened. She hadn't meant to scream at him, or judge him for his way of reacting. What was that kind of question anyway? She knew very well that even Kumoi cared about Kanda. No matter how stoic and arrogant he was, he was still part of the headquarters; part of their so-called family. Part of her.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARED FOR HIM? WHY!?" Mei kept screaming, while her thoughts were another place. Her eyes were now completely widened, the tears streaming uncontrollably she had lost the control to keep them at bay, and she didn't care how weak she seemed anymore. She was frozen. She wasn't herself. Normally, a frown would be placed, a click of her tongue, and then she would leave. She knew Kumoi cared about him. She _knew_! Why would she even say that to him? It was out of the question! "No..No.. Kanda.. Kanda cannot die!" She was in denial, and she was more aware of it than she sounded. She could simply not comprehend it.  
Kumoi went down to the other side of his desk and grabbed her. "Get a hold of yourself, Mei! They confirmed his dead!" Kumoi's eyes narrowed as she gave him a death glare.  
"Where's his body, then?" Mei didn't care about anything. He had no intend of answering that question. She wasn't even sure she wanted to know. She never wanted to see his body, not if his heart wasn't beating and his lungs weren't breathing. She wouldn't be able to take it if she ever saw that. She kept screaming and hitting Kumoi, before someone entered the room.  
"Kumoi Lee! What is going on?" She recognized the voice, and stiffened immediately. What was he doing here? Yelling was heard back and forth, his voice, and Kumoi's and her own.  
She felt a needle to her neck. Her eyes narrowed and the last thing she saw was Leverrier's eyes as everything turned into a blur, and then black.

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A/N: Was it ok? umu i'm not really sure, you see. because my mind has been elsewhere. but i tried! And I hope the flashback was okay, too, though it was rushed slightly (alot) (jk it wasn't) (yes it was). please review, because I'm so insecure about this!


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